Government to phase out use of' 'water' after independent review

The fluid of death, 'water', has been responsible for numerous deaths in recent years. Not only that, but numerous injuries, damage to property and houses, as well as erosion of river banks have been down to this ghastly 'deathly' fluid.  Many of our esteemed national newspapers and broadcasters have been engaged in a noble campaign to ban this lethal liquid.  It is also important to remember that water in it's even more lethal solid form 'ice' is responsible for even more death and misery, just think of skiing injuries, mountaineering deaths, the use of ice blocks as weapons, boats sunk by icebergs and many more great examples.

The government have used their wise knee tendons to react in the only way they know, they have crafted some brilliant policy based on this marvellous media campaign based on knowledge and benevolence.  It must be added that it is merely coincidental that such news stories sell a lot of papers and this industry thrives upon reckless ignorant scaremongering.  Water must be banned, it must be outlawed, we simply cannot allow this fluid of death to carry on killing, maiming and destroying.  There were floods in the bible, there was the Titanic, there have been murdering Tsunamis all over the planet, water is evil scum, it must be eradicated.

The government are not serving their own interests here, they are acting in the public interest, the fact that it will lead to a boost in their popularity amongst the Daily Mail reading fraternity is another huge coincidence that I shall simply ignore as I hate water, it has to go.  The practicalities of such beneficial water banning reforms are unclear but it will definitely be cost effective, think of the amount of money wasted on our deathly water based infrastructure, think of the money wasted on our sea defences, on maintaining our beaches and rivers.  We need dryness, we need safety, we want utopia, we read the Daily Mail, it is possible.  The oceans need draining, the sky needs clearing, the rivers emptying, just think of our children for goodness sake!

I love this country, and I love the Daily Mail and Telegraph, the way in which government policy is driven by this expert and knowledgeable analysis is a great example of democracy in action.  I am only disappointed that the MMR wasn't banned in similar fashion, the evidence was there that it harmed and the government ignored it, how very reckless and short sighted that was.  Anyway well done David Cameron and his lovely chums, they are serving the public interest with their selfless benevolence, even they will suffer as a result of the water reforms, their water trough will have to be replaced by some caviar provided by G4S........