Stalin's dress code

Working in the NHS gulag has its pleasures and one if them is to be subjected to ridiculously verbose and authoritarian documents created by nurse managers in order to make themselves feel mighty and powerful, and make the rest of us feel rather angry and frustrated. A certain NHS trust has issued its uniform and dress policy for clinical staff, and I thought that I'd share some of its gems of wisdom with you all.

Apparently it's not only important to be clean and smart for infection control reasons, but because the public use appearance as a 'proxy measure of competence'. So anything that makes the patients happy, right? Also if one has strange religious beliefs then you can probably blag some kind of exemption from this authoritarian code by liaising with the 'Equality Steering Group', probably another group of dried up nurse managers who spend most of their time snacking on ethnic goodies.

This new code will also be enforced by the managers, as long as they have time to stray away from the cookie jars, as they will be carrying out 'Spot checks of dress and uniform compliance' and 'Questioning samples of staff regarding their knowledge of the policy'. They are very particular about footwear

'Footwear must be navy or black. They must be closed-toe and low heeled/flat, with non-slip, low noise soles. Sling-backed shoes are not acceptable.'

I despair, why on earth must the colour of my shoes be dictated to me by these mincers? Also it seems that those of us who develop stubble rapidly may have to shave midway through a long shift:

'Men must be clean-shaven or have their beard and/or moustache clean and tidy.'

While they are keen to point out the precise nature of any make-up, what constitutes an offensive tattoo and the need for no strong smells; it certainly will be hard to find that balance between body odour and deodorant use, if i stray too far in one direction will the strong odour police come sniffing?

'Make-up must be discrete (light, natural and well applied). Tattoos must remain covered if extensive or deemed offensive. Strong fragrances, body odour or the smell of tobacco must not be evident.'

No 'necklaces, chains, bracelets and ankle chains, rings with stones or ridges' are allowed. They are also rather particular about :'The wearing of earrings is limited to one pair of stud sized earrings no larger than half a centimetre in diameter' , I am sure this will make a difference to that proxy measure of competence. Apparently shoes should also be of 'low noise', I must remember to leave my talking Bob the Builder shoes at home.

What a load of gushing rot. These clipboard wielding megalomaniacs must be having so much fun drafting these lengthy diktats, in between Quality Streets of course. Hand washing is important, I have no problem with this, but dictating every little minute detail, even down to the volume and colour of one's shoes is taking things a bit too far. I wonder if the managers will be living up to this detailed dress code, and would Stalin's moustache be acceptable in today's NHS? I wonder.