An applicant forces their way into the review panel meeting.
(A-applicant, H-head of the review panel, T-train worker)
Applicant: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The review panel head does not respond.)
Applicant: 'Ello, Miss?
Head of review panel: What do you mean "miss"?
A: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
H: We're closin' for lunch.
A: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this MTAS which I was sold by this very HMG boutique.
H: Oh yes, the, uh, the MTAS scheme...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
A: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
H: No, no, it's uh,...it's recovering.
A: Look, matey, I know a dead process when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
H: No no it's not dead, it's, it's recoverin'! Remarkable concept, the MTAS scheme, idn'it, ay? Beautiful IT networks, lovely modifications!
A: The IT and modifications don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
H: Nononono, no, no! 'It's recovering!
A: All right then, if 'it's recoverin', I'll wake 'em up!
(shouting at the panel)
'Ello, review panel! I've got a lovely fresh doughnut for you all if you can all prove how...(review panel head shakes desk)
A: There, they moved!
H: No, they didn't, that was you shaking the desk!
A: I never!!
H: Yes, you did!
A: I never, never did anything...
H: (yelling and hitting the desk repeatedly) 'ELLO PANEL!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Walks around the room and slaps each member of the review panel around the face while waiting for their justification of MTAS.)
A: Now that's what I call a dead process.
H: No, no.....No, they're stunned!
H: Yeah! You stunned them, just as they was wakin' up! Review panels stun easily, sir.
A: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That MTAS process is definitely deceased, and when I started this not three months ago, you assured me that its total lack of working was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a tricky birth.
H: Well, he's...it's, ah...probably pining for a holiday.
A: PININ' for a HOLIDAY?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it crash straight away the moment I got him home?
H: The MTAS system needs regular breaks! Remarkable system, id'nit, squire? Lovely networks!
A: Look, I took the liberty of examining that process when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been forced upon us in the first place was that it had been NAILED there by HMG.
H: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed the thing down, it would have escaped from the MTAS headquarters using its artifical intellignece, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
A: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this MTAS wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'It's bleedin' demised!
H: No no! It's pining!
A: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This process is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the MTAS headquarters it'd be pushing up the daisies!It's metabolic processes are now 'istory! It's off the twig!It's kicked the bucket, It's shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PROCESS!!
H: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the desks)
H: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the desk, and uh, we're right out of application processes.
A: I see. I see, I get the picture.
H: I got a modernsing medical careers.
A: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it work?
H: Nnnnot really.
A: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
H: Look, if you go to my brother's review panel meeting in Hull, he'll get it working for you.
A: Hull, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same review panel meeting. The review panel head is putting on a false moustache.
A: This is Hull, is it?
H: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Liverpool.
A: (looking at the camera) That's Virgin trains for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
A: I wish to complain, Virgin trains person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
H: I beg your pardon...?
T: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
A: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
T: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these copied python files out to 200 lines, you know.
A: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Hull train and found myself deposited here in Liverpool.
T: No, this is Hull.
A: (to the camera) The review panel head's brother was lying!!
T: Can't blame Virgin trains for that.
A: In that case, I shall return to the review panel meeting!
A: I understand this IS Hull.
H: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
A: You told me it was Liverpool!
H: ...It was a pun.
A: (pause) A PUN?!?
H: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
A: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
H: Yeah, that's it!
A: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Hull" would be "Lluh"!! It don't work!!
H: Well, what do you want?
A: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...